What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 17:02
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He knew the spot.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She was in good health!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
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But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
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As i do to all so called friends.?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
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Thats was my nicest nick name for him
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
So whats the point in blame.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But, we were locked up after school.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I don,t even have a pension.
All the time i was locked up.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
One cannot live in the past .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She loved him until the end.
I was very sick at this time too.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
When she asked me how she looked .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was 9 years of age.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She married twice! .
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was seconnd youngest,
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But ive been too sick for many years..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I couldn’t, believe it.
I think the readers, may guess!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
It was going to be , some day.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was scared of men, in general
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Would this be the day?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My life is so biszare .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We were not on the streets..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She wouldn,t have been !
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I said to her
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She found it foreign!.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But it wasn’t much.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
So, i spoilt her more .
Ive learnt so much.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
This is soul school!.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I will be 64.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Why did i forgive my father ?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Comes on , in middle age.
And i lived it daily.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
What did i know ?
We all went to grammer schools
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Put me off passion for life!!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My family never makes their pension either.
I have no regrets .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Who then, do I blame.?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Im still living with it.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I write beautiful poetry .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I waited trembling.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.